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It's What I'm Good At, Jar

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Aug. 27th, 2013 | 11:56 am

You used to tell me you cared about me. That I was the one for you. And that your plans for the future had a large portion with me in mind. I never doubted you then, I really didn't. Hell, I supported the shit out of you and what ever you wanted to do. But you know what sucks? What plans I had, you didn't seem to care. They may seem trivial and childish, but for fuck's sake; they are what I want to do.

From the sound of this, I may come off a bit bitter. And well, I might be; but that's not the point to this. I just want to get this off my chest and actually let you know, in writing.

My dreams are little childish. My aspirations might be looked down upon by normal adults. But well, to be honest, I gives little fucks for normal adults. This is what makes me happy, and as they say here in the Philippines, "Walang basag ng trip."

Once, I asked you, I begged you, to come along and support me. Instead you broke up with me and made me feel like shit. It was stupid, but I cried over that. For most of that night, I cried over you not supporting me in the things that I cared for. Hoping to get the same support that I give you; kind of expecting it to be; well common decency. You loved me and I wanted this; badly. Yet you couldn't give that to me. I went on to place 2nd to last then. My worst placing in a tournament ever, and since.

You'll never know, never understand how much that meant to me. I don't think you'll ever really understand how passionate I am about this.

Fast forward to now. Fast forward to the present. I've been to two tournaments since you've been gone. The first one I went to back in May/June was huge. Over 50 people entered. The best the Philippines has to offer. And you know how I did? I did really well. I placed top 16. 9th place. Just one match away from Top 8. This me getting Bodied by arguably the BEST player in the Philippines.

Just the other week, there was another tourney. But I wasn't feeling well and hadn't had time to really practice or get ready for the tourney that much. And again, I placed 9th. There aren't any videos yet since there's been a typhoon here the last week or so, and the guy who uploads them hasn't had internet. But if you could see the game play, see how I did. There's a MASSIVE improvement just from June. I am solid. And I'm going to get better. Speed, I got him into playing too. He's so passionate about it, that he's decided to add this into his gaming company. He's been building sticks, and is on the verge of sponsoring me and Echo; among other people. When I graduate, when I'm back in the States, I plan to make this a large part of my life. To really make something out of it. Because you know I realized something. Not only am I passionate about this, not only do I really enjoy it, I'm damn good at it. You give me 1 more year, (I'd say 6 months, but I'm still studying hard. I am, I promise.) and I'll easily be one of the best players in the entire Philippines.

You know what sucks though? I told you all of this. I know that you know how much I want this. What my plans were for it. Yet I don't think you took my seriously, or you didn't care. Either way, this hurt me so much more than you would realize.

I just wanted to write this, just so you would know how I feel. And maybe so you could be proud of me. It was all I really wanted for you when it came to this. That you would be proud that your Jar was really, really good at something. That I could be the best. I just wanted you by myside. Is that so bad?

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