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(no subject)

Sep. 21st, 2013 | 08:49 pm
music: Kid Cudi - Beez (feat. RZA) | Powered by Last.fm

It's been a while since I last wrote anything new. And I'm sorry for that. There's has been a lot going on lately, and haven't had the time to write. To be honest, that isn't the entire truth to why I haven't written a new entry. It's one reason, granted, but the simple fact that I didn't know what to say or begin to figure out how to say it. Just that I wanted to say something, but it feels like the right words had to be said, or written.

For one. What needs to be said, is that from me; from here, there's no bitterness or hateful memories. Nothing as unpleasant as any of that.

Word has it that you're back. Welcome back. :)

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It's What I'm Good At, Jar

Aug. 27th, 2013 | 11:56 am

You used to tell me you cared about me. That I was the one for you. And that your plans for the future had a large portion with me in mind. I never doubted you then, I really didn't. Hell, I supported the shit out of you and what ever you wanted to do. But you know what sucks? What plans I had, you didn't seem to care. They may seem trivial and childish, but for fuck's sake; they are what I want to do.

From the sound of this, I may come off a bit bitter. And well, I might be; but that's not the point to this. I just want to get this off my chest and actually let you know, in writing.

My dreams are little childish. My aspirations might be looked down upon by normal adults. But well, to be honest, I gives little fucks for normal adults. This is what makes me happy, and as they say here in the Philippines, "Walang basag ng trip."

Once, I asked you, I begged you, to come along and support me. Instead you broke up with me and made me feel like shit. It was stupid, but I cried over that. For most of that night, I cried over you not supporting me in the things that I cared for. Hoping to get the same support that I give you; kind of expecting it to be; well common decency. You loved me and I wanted this; badly. Yet you couldn't give that to me. I went on to place 2nd to last then. My worst placing in a tournament ever, and since.

You'll never know, never understand how much that meant to me. I don't think you'll ever really understand how passionate I am about this.

Fast forward to now. Fast forward to the present. I've been to two tournaments since you've been gone. The first one I went to back in May/June was huge. Over 50 people entered. The best the Philippines has to offer. And you know how I did? I did really well. I placed top 16. 9th place. Just one match away from Top 8. This me getting Bodied by arguably the BEST player in the Philippines.

Just the other week, there was another tourney. But I wasn't feeling well and hadn't had time to really practice or get ready for the tourney that much. And again, I placed 9th. There aren't any videos yet since there's been a typhoon here the last week or so, and the guy who uploads them hasn't had internet. But if you could see the game play, see how I did. There's a MASSIVE improvement just from June. I am solid. And I'm going to get better. Speed, I got him into playing too. He's so passionate about it, that he's decided to add this into his gaming company. He's been building sticks, and is on the verge of sponsoring me and Echo; among other people. When I graduate, when I'm back in the States, I plan to make this a large part of my life. To really make something out of it. Because you know I realized something. Not only am I passionate about this, not only do I really enjoy it, I'm damn good at it. You give me 1 more year, (I'd say 6 months, but I'm still studying hard. I am, I promise.) and I'll easily be one of the best players in the entire Philippines.

You know what sucks though? I told you all of this. I know that you know how much I want this. What my plans were for it. Yet I don't think you took my seriously, or you didn't care. Either way, this hurt me so much more than you would realize.

I just wanted to write this, just so you would know how I feel. And maybe so you could be proud of me. It was all I really wanted for you when it came to this. That you would be proud that your Jar was really, really good at something. That I could be the best. I just wanted you by myside. Is that so bad?

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(no subject)

Jul. 29th, 2013 | 12:50 am

Thinking about you won't bring you back.

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(no subject)

Jul. 26th, 2013 | 03:01 pm

I have this crushing sense of urgency. Like I'm in a big hurry, but going the wrong way. It might just be me still be disoriented from the move. But I just need to keep moving forward. Hiding in the dark hasn't worked in the past, I doubt it will work this time. Mistakes are being made. Wrongs must be corrected. I can not let myself collapse.

No matter happens, my head must be kept straight. The lights won't stop me. Nothing will stop me. I can't.

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All It Takes Is One Good View

Jul. 11th, 2013 | 01:57 am
mood: determined

You get swept up with all these things in your life, it's crazy. You wake up and nothing seems any better than the day before. I noticed one thing that was wrong. Not really a glitch, something much deeper than that. What's really important is the core of it.The mother board. The essence.

I've been trying to figure out why things sucked so bad for a while. The noise of neighbours' kids every moment of the day was test in the ways of Zen. But even Li Mu Bai would have strained in the efforts of not losing their patience. I was always paranoid since all the apartments were crowded. (I'm a little uncomfortable around people, and I'm claustrophobic. Being a comparative giant on a tiny island, this country's standards on room dimensions are slightly smaller.) And the simple fact that I spent an ass load of time locked up a room for weeks at a time. Yeah; those things I kind of want to move past.

But sitting here, looking out a new window, with no loud children. No cramped ass houses. Just Space, concrete, and decent view. (for now)

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Looking back, moving forward

Jun. 18th, 2013 | 01:42 am
music: AC/DC - High Voltage | Powered by Last.fm

We can recognize the dawn and the decline of love by the uneasiness we feel when alone together.
Jean de la Bruyere

I've been looking back lately. To what seems likes a whole other person; what would seem like a past life. Thinking about what could have been, though I know I'm happier now. It's weird, most of the memories I have of the past are tainted and bleak. Knowing that where my life is at this moment is one of, if not the best, course of action I can take right; Yet I am still left wondering. What am I missing out on? What's going on? What could have happened to that other me?

The more I dwell on it, the more I can say I don't particularly care. Just the fact that my life has been touched, that I shared moments with people that are no longer in my life. It was their choice as much as mine. Be it friends, lovers, or just acquaintances; I've realized that if you really wanted to be around me, you'll make the effort. You'll try, if at all, just to see me.

When you cut someone from your life, you make a decision, be concious or not the die is cast. Its something both parties are responsible for. If you lose someone in your life, but you don't want them to go, make the effort! People are generally easy to talk to and keep in touch with, so why not?

But what if they don't want anything to do with you, you ask. Well, truthfully, all you can do in that case is what I'm doing. Looking back. It's all we can do. And it's all I'm willing to do. I'm slowly but surely compiling a list. A list of the people I know to really, truly care for me. Those that have been, and will be, there for me come Hell or high water.

I can't say that I didn't have fun in the past. There was a time when I did, in fact, want whatever I was doing. It wasimportant. But, as I said earlier, I'm not that guy I was in these memories. That life, and those choices are not something I'd like to relive again. Nor can I say I miss it. What fun I had, has passed. Just so, life moves ever forward. Though It doesn't hurt to look where you've gone.

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No title, just rant

May. 9th, 2013 | 07:41 pm

I've found that, every time I try to update; I draw blanks. It may be that, I'm not sober, but I honestly doubt that. I've got nothing to really say. Not knowing what to write; it's been a problem for me for a long time now. =[

And frankly it sucks.

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The fear of moving forward

Mar. 4th, 2013 | 12:56 am

Grief has limits, whereas apprehension has none. For we grieve only for what we know has happened, but we fear all that possibly may happen.

-Pliny the Elder

I've come to find that the more you try to hold on to something from your past, all that ends up happening is disappointment and losing the chance for something new to enter your life.

But frankly, I'm not keen on change. Especially right now. I said it in my last post, but I'll say it again. Change is uncomfortable for me. And going through a few things, change is the last thing I'd like to see. But of course, change is inevitable. It's all inevitable. And that's what scares me most. I feel like I'm on some ride, some roller coaster, that I did not wish to be on in the first place.

Being here, stuck in the seat, it just gives me apprehension. I never wanted to be here in the first place, I'm having trouble adjusting to it. Like a good example of all these changes I'm not comfortable with. G4; a gaming network is closing down. It's being revamped into the Esquire network. All the tech and gaming sections of G4 (which is a shit ton load of content) is going to be taken out.

I honestly don't know why this change in some random network is affecting me so much. Maybe it's just more proof that I have to grow up. Or at the very least, move forward. I gotta tell you though, my feet feel like bricks. And taking that step forward, well it scares the shit out of me. As do a lot more things, I've noticed...

I really wish everything will turn out ok. I'm scared as shit, and I don't even know of what.

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Something or another.

Feb. 24th, 2013 | 03:50 am
mood: awake
music: K.Flay - Don't Wait Up

"God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through."

Paul Valery French Poet and Philosopher

When I look at a blank screen, it scares me. Back, when I would look at a blank screen, or a piece of paper as a canvas to paint with my words. To tell a story in the space given. That elation and surge of inspiration seems like eons ago.

To be honest, seeing it now; it's daughting. I struggle to find the words. I don't have anything to say. Even though I could talk about all the things that are rushing through my mind. All the issues I'm going through. Yet, instead I draw blank. The words don't form. It feels so forced. Like I'm doing it for someone else's benefit. And no beh, I really am not talking about you. It may seem like it, but really it's not. But it is the reason why, obviously, I don't write in here that much. Or anywhere for that matter.

I haven't written anything in months. Honestly months. I haven't put pen to paper since before I came back here to the Philippines in May 2012. I don't know where my inspiration has gone. I don't know where many things are lately...

All brooding aside, the layout of livejournal has changed. And frankly, it scares me. LJ was known for it's simplistic interface. We'll see; but as of late, I haven't been keen on change.

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(no subject)

Nov. 25th, 2012 | 10:11 pm

Why do we hold on to things, even if they are broken? What makes us so afraid to let go? Maybe it's the fear of losing something; that no matter how bad it is, at least it's something. Something that's yours.

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